first off, prepare yourself. this is long. second...im not even sure.

so, lately life has been way stressful. and i really need to talk about it. since last january i havent been able to see someone i love very much. he's 19 now but just turned 19. and im 15 soon to be 16. well my parents didnt like him very much. they say they couldnt trust me w/ him cuz they thought me and him were going to get carried away but i think i have more self restraint than that. but he was the person i always went to when i felt like i was going break or i thought that i was going to go cut a thousand lines in my arm. (proud to say i havent done anything for about 3 months). well when they took him away from me i was shattered. they took him away late january. my folks got the cops involved so if anyone that knows me see's me w/ him, even if its by coincidence then he goes to jail. so we went and got me some journals so i could write to him and give them to him when i turn 18 in just a few yrs. for a little over a month i was in this horrible stage of depression. i couldnt find a decent reason to wake up in the morning. i didnt want to go to school and i almost started skipping classes. i just always had this glazed over look on my eyes and u could tell something was wrong.

got over that and then things were fine for a little bit. then my best friend or someone that was a good friend decides she wants to walk out on me. just before this happend i asked her what was wrong and why she was ignoring me. she tells me to go check my email. this is what i got:
"what i am annoyed about is that you're treating kaylene like shit and there was no reason to scratch my sisters arm. you are way more violent than i ever was. you are going down the wrong road. i'm not gong to watch you go down that path. i will hurt myself if that makes you go down the right path. emotionally not physically stupid. and i don't want to talk about this anymore."
kaylene is a friend of hers and she's like a sister to her so she says. but then again i thought i was like a sister to her too. she definatly was to me. she helped hold me strong when i needed it. anyway to explain what she ment by saying that i've been more violent than she ever has...last wednesday i went to a church thing. lent. well her mom asked me if i wanted to help set up the tables and chairs and what not and i said i dont want to but i would anyway. well my "best friends" little sister came up to me and started to pull on my arm to get me up and i dont like being forced up. so i slapped her hand away and accidently got her w/ my nails. i havent found anything to clip them off w/ yet but i need to cuz i have ceramics and dont want clay under my nails. well my bff came up to me and twisted my wrists back and said go appologize to her. i said i would and i felt like she was going to snap my wrists. well when everyone else sat down and ate i sat and did nothing. my stomach was slightly upset and i just didnt feel like eating. so i go into the bathroom and kaylene follows me and askes whats wrong. i tell her about my stomach and she walks off. and i was totaly nice about everything! so i wouldnt be able to be yelled at for any of that. oh and just one more thing about the violence thing. she has left scars on her little sister so i dont think by leaving a small scratch that will go away in a few hours is worse than a scar on her.
so right after this happend, friday, i was an emotional wreck. i spose i still am, cuz im a hormonal teenage girl, but this is still bothering me slightly and im not sure what to do. at one point i was so used to losing those closest to me cuz i moved around alot as a little kid. so i eventually learned to just not let anyone close to me. i moved out here to where i am now and i knew i was going to be here till i graduated so i figure, well maybe i'll let some people get to know what and who i am. so i get settled after a yr or so and got to know some people. and this is where i met my "bff". i didnt start really "letting people in" till this last yr. after i met the guy that i lost. he was the one i really trusted enough to open up. at this point i wonder if that was a mistake. i've been doing alot of thinking lately. thinking, do i really want this guy in my life for the rest of it? so i've been thinking about his past history w/ other girls and just who he is. and im still unsure of an answer. maybe i'll just have him as a friend. idk. still unsure. so life goes on and i feel alone in this big bad world. some of u will say that im not alone and i know i have u guys. i just dont have anyone to talk to out where i live.